In the days of Queen Elizabeth I the world was an exciting place. America had only recently been discovered and the British Empire was rapidly expanding. It was an era of many great explorers such as Sir Walter Raleigh, Sir Francis Drake, Christopher Columbus to name just a few.Equally important although generally less recognised was another explorer known as John 'Snakebites' McCrackers. He was a successful explorer but as his name suggests, he was most successful at discovering snakes than treasure. In fact he is still revered as a most important and influential man having discovered and recorded many hundreds of different varieties of snakes as well as the remedies for their respective bites. One day John 'Snakebites' McCrackers was summoned to Richmond palace to see the Queen. Having been kept waiting for several hours John finally was allowed entry to the Queen's audience room. He entered the large throne room and bowed before his beloved Queen who was seated at a nearby table covered in maps, navigating equipment and one of those new 'globe' things that were becoming so popular following Columbus's discovery of the new world. "John," she said, "One is so glad that you have come. One has got a bit of a problem that one hopes you can help one with." John moved over to the table. "You see one has just been given a deserted island to add to one's empire. It's a gift from the French embassy as a sort of peace gesture. It won't work, a war is coming soon but it was a nice thought. One needs someone to check the island out and see if it's worth keeping.All the other explorers are already off exploring places and the only people left are you and Raleigh but one is not very happy with Raleigh after his last voyage to America. He brought back this plant stuff and said that one can smoke. 'Put it in a pipe and smoke it' he said but one has been puffing on this potato for months with no success. And as for cutting up tobacco into little strips, frying them and eating them with battered fish it is absolutely disgusting. "Anyway, one was hoping that you would go to this island instead of Raleigh and check it out. Most of it is covered in forests and jungle so you should find plenty of snakes to add to your collection. One expects you to report back here in 10 months with your findings." She turned back to her desk and after sorting through the jumble of maps she finally handed one to him. " You should leave immediately" she added. " Thank you your most gracious majesty. I shall do my best to bring as much information about that island as exists about it." John said and turned to leave. " Very good," she replied as he walked from the room, " Just don't bring any more of those damned snakes back!!" The preparations took several weeks but soon John was ready to set sail. Two more weeks at sea saw him within site of the island. Without delay he went ashore and chose a suitable site to place the fort and lay official claim of the queen's ownership. With work underway he led a large expedition into the surrounding jungle. Two months passed with little interest, but many snakes, as john painstakingly searched the island. Earlier he had stumbled upon a native village and now a local guide had joined the expeditionary group. On the 83rd day since John had left Portsmouth harbour he discovered large clearing in the heart of the jungle. In the centre of the clearing was an enormous dead elephant with a 4 foot tall pygmy jumping up and down on the corpse in a sort of celebratory dance. The sight took Johns breath away. The pygmy was so small and the elephant so large ( but of course all elephants are big to a man specialising in snakes) that John 'Snake Bites ' McCrackers forgot his fears and ventured out from the undergrowth into the clearing. With the help of the local guide coupled with his natural talent for languages John had picked up several useful tips. As he approached the pygmy he made the traditional local sign of peace and called out the traditional local greeting: " Uggaga Boggaga Sy." Which he knew from the guide to be translated as ' would you like a cup of tea old chap.' (Literal translation:- ' Fancy a brew' ). The pygmy stopped his dance and turned slowly to face John and looked him slowly up and down. After some consideration his face brightened and he replied the traditional local reply: " Ta very much chuck!" John led the pygmy back to his camp and they dined together on local game.( mainly monkeys, rats and, of course, a couple of snakes. They chatted politely for some time with the guide acting as a translator when necessary. Eventually John steered the conversation around to the spectacle tha he had witnessed in the jungle clearing and asked the question that had been bothering him all evening. " I must say," started John as he lowered his tea cup to the table, "that was a most magnificent beast in the clearing. Did you kill it yourself ?" " Oh yes." replied the pygmy, " I killed it with my club" " Incredible!" John exclaimed, "It must have been a very big club." " Yes it is," answered the pygmy as he drained his tea cup, " there's about 250 of us."
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